unimaginable beauty: 2009

Sunday, December 27, 2009

If I wanted to play mind games, I’d buy a rubix cube.

I feel like I'm just moving along in this life so slowly, my pace sluggish and weary. I go through each day doing the same damn repetitive things, and it's driving me insane. I dream of stars, and comets, and an endless, deep blue midnight sky, but when I awake, I'm greeted by the foggy air of the morning, and the whirl of the air con. I've found that my own chance of happiness is quickly vanishing, so I've been focusing all my time and energy on helping others. I'm not even sure why I bother, but I guess that it gives me a small sense of hope that maybe, just maybe someone will help me in return.
Though I've realised by now not to get my hopes high. The higher they are, the harder they fall. And they always fall.

Monday, November 30, 2009

fly fairy, fly.

I am a beautiful fairy.
I have colourful wings that gently flutter on my back, lifting me high into the air and carrying me along with the soft summer breezes.
I float through the air, with bees buzzing and birds humming all around me. I fly with the butterflies, and I am
wild, a pretty little part of nature that no one can capture.
I am completely free and I don't need the affections of an insanely handsome, but out of reach man to make me happy.

I am so tempted to just fly right out of here and never come back.

Saturday, October 24, 2009

pet peeves.

[Just a small rant of mine to a certain male I know. I don't even care if he reads this. Its a chance to say what I know I'm too nice to say in real life.]

You sir, without even a speck of doubt, are the most ignorant, conceited, high and mighty dickhead I have ever had the displeasure to meet in my entire life.

Who the hell do you think you are?
Strutting around like you own the damn place, putting people in categories before you even know them, yet claiming not to judge and to be a gentleman?!

Gentleman, my arse.
A gentleman wouldn't act like that. A gentleman wouldn't say things like that.

Why do you think you're so awesome? It fails to process in my mind.
Why on earth do you love yourself so much? Why do you think you're the hottest thing since sliced bread?

Just piss off, okay?

You're not cool.
And you can't play the guitar either.
And the face...
For fucks sake, the face.
It doesn't make you look dreamy.
Or deep.

It makes you look like you're having a stroke.
Which is exactly what I imagine everytime you pull it.

Stop saying 'fair enough'.
It's stupid. It's irritating.
Especially considering it's coming from you.
And could you maybe try to stop ranting about football?
I don't really give a shit.
And could you maybe try, just once, to eat quietly?

For god's sake, you even breathe noisily.
What's wrong with you?
Fuck off, and stop telling me every little thing that passes through your brain.
Nobody cares.
Nobody is listening.
No. Shut up.

Really though, you don't half try my patience.

You once said that you're just a word that hasn't been invented yet.
But dickhead comes effortlessly close, my dear.

As long as you think you're not at fault, I'm sure you'll carry on with ease.
Boy, you can make even the halo child feel like the guiltiest sin.

Monday, October 19, 2009

7 times.

I've been fighting with a friend lately, and she's changed so much, and I don't know what to do about it.
This made me then start to question all of my other friends...
So here is a small drabble I came up with, just a rant about a few of the people in my life. No names mentioned though...

[one] I wish you knew how I would fold at the knees if you weren't there to hold me up. I wish I had the words to tell you that you're the one mirror I can't stand to look at when my own lies are fogged back into my lungs because of the truth that shines in your eyes. You're my strength when I'm tired, you're my comfort when I'm crying and swearing that I'm just not enough, that I'll never be enough. You've called me brave before, but I know it's only because I managed to swallow my pride and borrow your courage. We send each other reassurances through the phone lines, telling each other it will be alright and trying to fake the joy, through cell phone screens, and blinking text messages. And when I am scared, you let my fears out of the box to run through the door, never to return, and I'll be forever safe. And when you are lost, I'll let you use my eyes because maybe other people can offer a clearer perspective. Know that I'll always be here for you; know that I will never turn away when you are in need.

[two] I just hope you know that you are beautiful. I hope that when you look in the mirror and see your tanned skin, vibrant eyes and long, luscious hair, you'll know that these things are what make you so breathtaking. And when the ones you trust turn their backs, realise that they are the ones lacking; not you. I hope you know that you are compassionate and intelligent, and all together amazing. You are every single thing that every single person should aspire to be. Thank you for being there to support me when I wasn't even sure I knew how to support myself. Thank you for standing by me when my spine collapsed, for holding my hand and leading me when I didn't know where I was going. There are so many ways to thank you and I don't know if I can find all the words to let you hear them.

[three] We definately aren't what people would call the best. We would laugh way too loud in the corridors, have impolite conversations, and talk constantly in class. We would fight in the middle of the classroom, lashing out at each other angrily for petty reasons. But then we'd try to patch it over with a hug and a pitiful apology. You know I love you, but there are times I can do nothing but hate you.

[four] When I fall and scrape my knees, you are the first person to pick me up off the pavement. When I am standing with broken bones and a broken heart, you are the first one to cast my arm, tape up my heart, and kiss my temple. You are shielding me from all the hurt, and keeping a steady eye on me to stop me from swallowing my lungs. I know that I don't thank you enough, but I never want you to think I don't appreciate and love you.

[five] When we fight, I want you to know that I am acidic and bitchy, only because I can see my face in yours. I want you to know that I am slicing at you viciously only because I know that we are both stubborn and strong enough to take it. So when your hand is slamming against my cheek, and my words are tearing at your limbs, I know that we will get over it because we are related in so many more ways than just blood.

[six] You went running off with my heart in your pocket, completely oblivious to the fact that you'd almost ruined my chances of giving away what you'd so aptly stolen. And when you smiled, and I knew that smile would never be for me, you never seemed to realise that my pulse was wired around your heart so that everytime you moved, it would jump-start my nerves in the most uncomfortable way. And no matter how hard I try, I simply can't cut those wires free.

[seven] I am holding my heart and stealing it back from greedy fingers. I am running behind locked doors and looking through parted blinds. I know you thought you could carry my heart, but I can't find the words to tell you no. So know that I mean it when I say I appreciate your friendship, but I can't give you what you want. If I could let you know, I'd tell you who already has it, who's stolen it from under your nose. But I don't have the words so just know I mean it when I say I'm sorry. Trust me, I do.

/rant over

Saturday, September 26, 2009

start of something new, maybe?

Welcome to the abode of my ramblings, rants and rubber-band balls.

So, after much poking and prodding from various friends, I finally decided to make myself a blog.
Who knows, it could be refreshing for me. Maybe it could help unravel the mess that calls itself my life.

To be honest, I'm not even sure on what to write here. Do I spill my guts out? Tell everyone my secrets, or do I just prattle on endlessly about things that don't really matter?
Knowing me, I'll just prattle on. Talking is a skill of mine.

Cáilin thinks I'm bonkers. But that's to be expected. She's pretty nutty herself.
And we really do have to work on not saying the same thing at the same time. It's starting to get irritating being constantly referred to as twins. Oh who am I kidding, it's fun.

I read a story the other night, about a girl who was extremely insecure about her weight and body in general, and I nearly started crying. I mean, I'm not saying I think I'm overweight or anything, but I can still relate. Being thin/slim isn't all its cracked up to be.
I suppose its because I have virtually no body shape to speak of. No chest, no butt, no hips, nothing. Its not as though I'll turn to surgery or anything, but it sucks when people pay me out.

On a side note, it's finally the holidays, And it's odd because these are the first holidays in about 4 years that I haven't had to go to ballet. I'll be completely free for the next two weeks, with no dance commitments. It's a bit of a daunting thought actually. I mean, what am I supposed to do?
I have a grand total of two things planned and they are occuring within the next 3 days. What a life I lead...

You see, I'm rambling again. I have a habit of doing this, going off on tangents and struggling to say what I need to say, not needless chatter. I don't really feel as though I've gotten anything off my chest yet, or feel 'liberated' as such..actually I feel no different.
Perhaps it'll change. We shall see :)

Oh and before I forget; Katt, you are amazing and most definately do not poison my blog.