unimaginable beauty: September 2010

Friday, September 24, 2010

times of betrayal and lies.

We seem to live in a time where if you prefer your own company to others, you're 'weird'. Why is it that our lives seem to be ruled by groups?
If you sit with a group of people, then realise that actually, you don't get along with some of them and they really aren't best for you, and it would be a good idea to move, you suddenly find yourself losing a bunch of people you thought actually were your friends, and being shunned away.
All because you want to surround yourself with people that make you happy.
Why should you stay with one group your entire high school life? Why is it not possible to make new friends and leave crappy ones behind?

I used to hate sitting on the oval. I'd find my mood sinking, and I'd end up going home almost in tears. Doesn't help when someone that was supposed to be there for you was part of the reason you were crying. So I moved.
I became friends with people that actually made me feel good about myself. I have fun now. I laugh. I smile. I don't stare at the grass trying not to scream. I enjoy recess and lunch times now, instead of desperately wishing to just get back into class.

But apparently that's just not good enough. Apparently that deserves to be taken as a personal insult and that I'm obviously not worth it as a friend. I've suddenly found that people are being rude to me, people that I used to be friends with. 'Oh, so now we're good enough for you?' 'Why are you even sitting here?'

I'm being ignored now. People start walking away from me when I come up. People come up to me and a mutual friend and completely cut me off as if I'm not even there. I get banged into in the corridors, and they stare and whisper at me as I walk past.
When I was part of that bitchy group, I was essentially safe. But now that I've joined a group that's actually nice to their friends, my walls have fallen down and I am basically defenseless.

I'm tired of being guilt tripped. I'm tired of being upset. I'm tired of feeling worthless. I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of not being able to have someone I can genuinely call a friend. I'm tired of no one understanding.

When I first left them, and my friend from the new group posted a status defending me and the group that resulted in a massive fight between groups, I got in shit from the old group. I got accused of being a bad friend and not sticking up for them. But tell me, why should I stick up for people when they wouldn't even think about doing the same for me?

A friend of mine once said that he wishes that people could just be alone, and for it to be socially acceptable.

I wish you could be friends with different people, without the backstabbing and bitching that seems to come from having different social groups.

Oh, how I truly hate high school.

And yeah, I know that people from that group will probably read this, and gossip about it, and talk about how I've changed and become so rude. Go a-fucking-head. You'll merely be proving my point for everyone to see.

Monday, September 13, 2010


i hate you.

a phrase used so often that it's losing its meaning.
a phrase that means less as time passes.
a phrase that means nothing anymore.

it's almost like a toy, something that is being tossed back and forth and back and forth for senseless reasons, and every time that it is used and gets a little older, and a little more chipped. a little more broken.
but just like a child, you never give up on it. you never throw it away. it's a comfort to you.
it's your only comfort anymore.

i hate you. i hate you so much.

hate, hate, hate.

over and over and over again.

the same words pouring from your thin lips and pushing themselves into flesh and bone and mind; the only thing that can keep your vision straight and give you some sense of control.

but these people, all these people that cower behind those words, do they feel like we feel?
do they feel ugly and worthless and pathetic and uncomfortable in their own skin?
do their thoughts and minds ache this bruised blue colour? are they always filled with lying hues and cheating images?

why do they hate us?
is it because we're not the same as them?
is it because we're just unwilling to change to how they feel we should be?

do they feel that because we take the chance to be different, take the chance to be who we are, their protective wall has been stripped and all that they have left is the hate festering inside of them.
does it bubble up until it finally explodes, in a mirade of dark colours and cutting words?

do they suffer like us?