unimaginable beauty: April 2010

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Is there a place where I can start again?

When someone asks if someone is okay, it always pops up in their mind that maybe they aren't, no matter what their answer is.
The other day, one of my friends who was sitting across from me asked me that randomly. Her voice got all low and serious, and she looked straight at me as if to watch to see whether or not I was lying. And of course, I simply say 'I'm fine' and avert my eyes from hers. It wasn't a complete lie, but it caught me off guard.
Maybe because I felt out of place where I was, or I'm just on a different level from where my friends are. Maybe it's just a process of growing up.
I am okay. My life isn't horrible or anything. It's just not perfect. I know I haven't made any dramatic decisions as of late, or stirred any unnecessary drama in the past few months. I've just sort of hovered.
It was in that split second, that one decision to avert my eyes and lie, that made me realise that things weren't perfect. I mean, I am finally making an improvement with my sleeping patterns, and school's fine really, but my socialness, or rather lack of, has been awkward lately.
I used to be a bit of an obnoxious person, who would go up to anyone and just talk to them, saying whatever comes to mind. But now I am timid, I try not to ruffle people's feathers (I don't always succeed), I mind my own business, and I seperate my space from others. And that's the bad part; I miss who I used to be. But at the same time, I'm glad that I'm not her anymore.
I don't need those 'friends' who only need me when it's convenient. I don't want to live in the past, where I know I made a lot of mistakes. I just want to be comfortable with where I am now, and who I've become. I don't want to force myself to fit in with people and environments that I don't like and don't need.
I don't particularly like where I'm heading, but I know that it's a lot better than what I'm leaving behind me.