Is there a place where I can start again?

When someone asks if someone is okay, it always pops up in their mind that maybe they aren't, no matter what their answer is.
The other day, one of my friends who was sitting across from me asked me that randomly. Her voice got all low and serious, and she looked straight at me as if to watch to see whether or not I was lying. And of course, I simply say 'I'm fine' and avert my eyes from hers. It wasn't a complete lie, but it caught me off guard.
Maybe because I felt out of place where I was, or I'm just on a different level from where my friends are. Maybe it's just a process of growing up.
I am okay. My life isn't horrible or anything. It's just not perfect. I know I haven't made any dramatic decisions as of late, or stirred any unnecessary drama in the past few months. I've just sort of hovered.
It was in that split second, that one decision to avert my eyes and lie, that made me realise that things weren't perfect. I mean, I am finally making an improvement with my sleeping patterns, and school's fine really, but my socialness, or rather lack of, has been awkward lately.
I used to be a bit of an obnoxious person, who would go up to anyone and just talk to them, saying whatever comes to mind. But now I am timid, I try not to ruffle people's feathers (I don't always succeed), I mind my own business, and I seperate my space from others. And that's the bad part; I miss who I used to be. But at the same time, I'm glad that I'm not her anymore.
I don't need those 'friends' who only need me when it's convenient. I don't want to live in the past, where I know I made a lot of mistakes. I just want to be comfortable with where I am now, and who I've become. I don't want to force myself to fit in with people and environments that I don't like and don't need.
I don't particularly like where I'm heading, but I know that it's a lot better than what I'm leaving behind me.

emotion.

Emotion (n) Any strong agitation of the feelings actuated by experiencing love, hate, fear, etc., and usually accompanied by certain physiological changes as increased heartbeat, respiration, and often overt manifestation, as crying or shaking.

That is the dictionary defintion of emotion.

To me, it's confusion; not being able to work out your feelings or thoughts. It's not knowing what to write; staring at a blank page for hours on end with nothing but your name at the top. It's that special smile that envelopes your face like no other smile can compare to. It's staring into someone's eyes, and feeling yourself fall so deeply, as your arms shake and your breath catches. It's spending time with people and having minutes pass by feeling like hours, or hours flying by like seconds. It's writing out everything that is in your heart, yet feeling like there is oh so much more to write. It's having the vague feeling of something where it tastes and feels so familiar, but seems so much more new each day. It's that jumble in your brain, a total mess of twisting and winding thoughts that makes sense in its own way. You just don't know what that is yet.

I hate emotions.

snap.

I am getting pulled in so many different directions at the moment, and I can't take it.
It's taking its toll on me, and affecting the way I act.
They notice, oh, I know they definately do, but they don't even care. All they care about is being the one on top, no matter to the ones they have to step on and crush in the mean time.

I'm going to snap soon.