All I really want to do right now is get drunk and play video games all night long…

Since the only reason that any of you know that something is wrong, is because you've happened to read this, forgive me if I don't want to spill my soul to you.

I'd rather talk to a screen then to someone who is only curious and looking for a new story.

I'm so desperately lonely.
I'm surrounded, surrounded by noise and people and yet it's all outside and far away and I'm left curled up alone and struggling to exist.
I can't breathe, I can't think, I can't sleep, I can't see.
Everyone's looking, but no one's seeing.
I can't stand it I can't stand it I can't stand it.

It hurts, you know. I keep saying that it doesn't hurt, trying to convince myself that I really don't care. That I'm going to march into school this year, proud and strong. When I know that really I'm just going to slink in and try my best to keep my chin up.

It's interesting how quickly people you thought were you friends will turn on you in a second, for something you had nothing to do with. And how you become more hated then the original people to blame.

Damnit, I had nothing to do with that stupid status or anything else that went down. I was literally just an innocent bystanders. And my problems with Cailin were no one else's business. It was between us, and no one else has the right to butt in.

One of my 'friends' hasn't spoken a word to me in 6 months because I stayed friends with someone she hated and because she stuck her nose into something she wasn't supposed to, and used that against me. God, she's only one of the few people that won't talk to me now.

I don't know what to do next year. I seriously contemplated moving schools, to the point where I talked to my mother about it. But that's running away. And what shattered pride is still left won't allow me to turn my tail and run merely because a bunch of cow's chose lies and deceit over friends.

I even got it thrown into my face. Ran into a guy my 'friends' have suddenly gotten really close to, and he blurted out, 'Oh, so YOU'RE the one that everyone is talking about!'

Wow, thank you. That just makes me feel so much better.

I am so sick of all the shit. So sick of it all.

My head is collapsing in on itself. I can't think straight.

damnit damnit damnit damnit damnit.

I ran away from home today.

Well, sort of. I got into a massive fight with my father. He screamed at me for no reason, literally no reason. Called me a selfish bitch despite that I was cleaning up something he himself couldn't be bothered cleaning. Lots of shit went down.

He wouldn't stop screaming. Screaming, screaming, screaming. All these names and insults and they just...

I screamed back, of course.

So he told me to get out. He told me to leave. I grabbed my bag, and I walked out with him screaming at my back. I told him I hated him and that he was not my father.

I can't stand him. I really can't. He wonders why I have low self esteem, without it occurring to him that maybe it's because sixteen years worth of insults and hate have been chipping away at me and making me feel so worthless and disgusting.

I shouldn't post this. But I will. Because I rarely talk about it to people other than close friends, which are becoming far and few, so I think it might be good for me. Maybe.

I don't know. I don't know who I am anymore. I don't know what to do.

I'm so lost.

same shit, different day.

I might delete this blog. It's not like anyone reads it.

I'm just talking to myself on a computer, instead of in my head.

And the answers are always the same no matter where they are posted, so what's even the point?

What's the point of anything anymore.

I don't know what to do, and there's no one to turn to.

I feel like I'm going insane.

our hearts were not made for bleeding.

Sometimes... I get really worried about you.

You stay in this slump... for so long. It makes me hurt to see you so broken like that.

You hide all your feelings away, pretending, always pretending, that everything's fine. When you know for a fact that it's not.

You take in what others say and you believe it all. You listen to them lie and tell you you're safe and loved, and then... you hear all the crap they're actually saying.

You walk through school wondering what everyone thinks about you, when you smile or do something wrong.

You act nice, to protect yourself. Just polite enough to keep them away, trying not to get close to people, for fear that they too, in turn, will leave you.

It's like the entire world is trying to take you down.

It's like they're trying to make your life a pure, living hell.

Sometimes, you cry. You cry yourself to sleep, wondering and wishing.

You fall deeper and deeper and deeper, always falling into that black swirl, surrounded by those four walls that listen to what no one else will.

The air around you starts to disappear, and you're choking, choking on nothing. Choking on pressure. Choking on yourself.

Until you break. You snap.

And then it's all over, for just that short little while.

Until the cycle starts again.

asdfghjk

I used to be that girl.

I used to be the girl who would post links to fb pages that refer to you on your page, often receiving a cute response. I used to be the girl who you told things to. I used to be the girl you'd hug and tell that she was beautiful and shouldn't be so self conscious all the time. I used to be the girl you said was your best female friend.

Not anymore.

I hate how much it truly hurts to realise that you've lost your best friend, that they aren't going to come back, that they don't willingly want to see and hug you anymore.

I hate realizing how alone you actually are.

times of betrayal and lies.

We seem to live in a time where if you prefer your own company to others, you're 'weird'. Why is it that our lives seem to be ruled by groups?

If you sit with a group of people, then realise that actually, you don't get along with some of them and they really aren't best for you, and it would be a good idea to move, you suddenly find yourself losing a bunch of people you thought actually were your friends, and being shunned away.

All because you want to surround yourself with people that make you happy.

Why should you stay with one group your entire high school life? Why is it not possible to make new friends and leave crappy ones behind?

I used to hate sitting on the oval. I'd find my mood sinking, and I'd end up going home almost in tears. Doesn't help when someone that was supposed to be there for you was part of the reason you were crying. So I moved.

I became friends with people that actually made me feel good about myself. I have fun now. I laugh. I smile. I don't stare at the grass trying not to scream. I enjoy recess and lunch times now, instead of desperately wishing to just get back into class.

But apparently that's just not good enough. Apparently that deserves to be taken as a personal insult and that I'm obviously not worth it as a friend. I've suddenly found that people are being rude to me, people that I used to be friends with. 'Oh, so now we're good enough for you?' 'Why are you even sitting here?'

I'm being ignored now. People start walking away from me when I come up. People come up to me and a mutual friend and completely cut me off as if I'm not even there. I get banged into in the corridors, and they stare and whisper at me as I walk past.

When I was part of that bitchy group, I was essentially safe. But now that I've joined a group that's actually nice to their friends, my walls have fallen down and I am basically defenseless.

I'm tired of being guilt tripped. I'm tired of being upset. I'm tired of feeling worthless. I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of not being able to have someone I can genuinely call a friend. I'm tired of no one understanding.

When I first left them, and my friend from the new group posted a status defending me and the group that resulted in a massive fight between groups, I got in shit from the old group. I got accused of being a bad friend and not sticking up for them. But tell me, why should I stick up for people when they wouldn't even think about doing the same for me?

A friend of mine once said that he wishes that people could just be alone, and for it to be socially acceptable.

I wish you could be friends with different people, without the backstabbing and bitching that seems to come from having different social groups.

Oh, how I truly hate high school.

And yeah, I know that people from that group will probably read this, and gossip about it, and talk about how I've changed and become so rude. Go a-fucking-head. You'll merely be proving my point for everyone to see.

hate.

i hate you.

a phrase used so often that it's losing its meaning.

a phrase that means less as time passes.

a phrase that means nothing anymore.

it's almost like a toy, something that is being tossed back and forth and back and forth for senseless reasons, and every time that it is used and abused...it gets a little older, and a little more chipped. a little more broken.

but just like a child, you never give up on it. you never throw it away. it's a comfort to you.

it's your only comfort anymore.

i hate you. i hate you so much.

hate, hate, hate.

over and over and over again.

the same words pouring from your thin lips and pushing themselves into flesh and bone and mind; the only thing that can keep your vision straight and give you some sense of control.

but these people, all these people that cower behind those words, do they feel like we feel?

do they feel ugly and worthless and pathetic and uncomfortable in their own skin?

do their thoughts and minds ache this bruised blue colour? are they always filled with lying hues and cheating images?

why do they hate us?

is it because we're not the same as them?

is it because we're just unwilling to change to how they feel we should be?

do they feel that because we take the chance to be different, take the chance to be who we are, their protective wall has been stripped and all that they have left is the hate festering inside of them.

does it bubble up until it finally explodes, in a mirade of dark colours and cutting words?

do they suffer like us?

Is there a place where I can start again?

When someone asks if someone is okay, it always pops up in their mind that maybe they aren't, no matter what their answer is.
The other day, one of my friends who was sitting across from me asked me that randomly. Her voice got all low and serious, and she looked straight at me as if to watch to see whether or not I was lying. And of course, I simply say 'I'm fine' and avert my eyes from hers. It wasn't a complete lie, but it caught me off guard.
Maybe because I felt out of place where I was, or I'm just on a different level from where my friends are. Maybe it's just a process of growing up.
I am okay. My life isn't horrible or anything. It's just not perfect. I know I haven't made any dramatic decisions as of late, or stirred any unnecessary drama in the past few months. I've just sort of hovered.
It was in that split second, that one decision to avert my eyes and lie, that made me realise that things weren't perfect. I mean, I am finally making an improvement with my sleeping patterns, and school's fine really, but my socialness, or rather lack of, has been awkward lately.
I used to be a bit of an obnoxious person, who would go up to anyone and just talk to them, saying whatever comes to mind. But now I am timid, I try not to ruffle people's feathers (I don't always succeed), I mind my own business, and I seperate my space from others. And that's the bad part; I miss who I used to be. But at the same time, I'm glad that I'm not her anymore.
I don't need those 'friends' who only need me when it's convenient. I don't want to live in the past, where I know I made a lot of mistakes. I just want to be comfortable with where I am now, and who I've become. I don't want to force myself to fit in with people and environments that I don't like and don't need.
I don't particularly like where I'm heading, but I know that it's a lot better than what I'm leaving behind me.

emotion.

Emotion (n) Any strong agitation of the feelings actuated by experiencing love, hate, fear, etc., and usually accompanied by certain physiological changes as increased heartbeat, respiration, and often overt manifestation, as crying or shaking.

That is the dictionary defintion of emotion.

To me, it's confusion; not being able to work out your feelings or thoughts. It's not knowing what to write; staring at a blank page for hours on end with nothing but your name at the top. It's that special smile that envelopes your face like no other smile can compare to. It's staring into someone's eyes, and feeling yourself fall so deeply, as your arms shake and your breath catches. It's spending time with people and having minutes pass by feeling like hours, or hours flying by like seconds. It's writing out everything that is in your heart, yet feeling like there is oh so much more to write. It's having the vague feeling of something where it tastes and feels so familiar, but seems so much more new each day. It's that jumble in your brain, a total mess of twisting and winding thoughts that makes sense in its own way. You just don't know what that is yet.

I hate emotions.

snap.

I am getting pulled in so many different directions at the moment, and I can't take it.
It's taking its toll on me, and affecting the way I act.
They notice, oh, I know they definately do, but they don't even care. All they care about is being the one on top, no matter to the ones they have to step on and crush in the mean time.

I'm going to snap soon.

Pretty Women (And Men)

[Be warned; this post shows how much of a walking contradiction I truly am.]

It's interesting how low some people's self esteem is. At least, to me it is.
I've got so many friends that think they are ugly or fat. But they aren't. Hell, one of my best friends has managed to convince herself that she's overweight. But dear god, she is not. She's a peeerfect weight but there's no changing her mind. She's unique, beautiful, hilarious, possibly insane, and has a perfect hour glass figure. But she sees herself as ugly and fat. I've spent nights texting her, boosting her self esteem because her bitchy sister has said something out of spite, or her mother has uncaringly said something mean. It makes me cry.
I just don't understand all those people that constantly put you down, that completely destroy who you are, ignore you and just ruin your life. These people tear you apart, and don't even care.
I met a girl at ballet once, and she said I was pretty. I just laughed and said politely, "Thank you! I think you're pretty too." She just responded "Oh, you're just being nice."
But the thing is, she was pretty. The kind of pretty that makes you feel like a lucky fool to even have her look at you, let alone talk to you.
This happens so many times, with both genders. Boys that don't think they're cute, girls that think they're fat, and the list goes on. Unfortunately, I've met many gorgeous people, only to find out that with some of them, that sort of beauty is only skin deep. But in a few of them, they were pretty all the way through. How sad that many of them don't stand a chance in the real world... After all, who wants to be pretty on the inside?
The answer, sadly, is no one. No one wants to be pretty on the inside. Because, if it's on the inside, who would see it?
The shallow ideals of this world have taken over our lives, and so many truly beautiful people become left out in the cold, killed socially and literally day after day.
It makes me so sad, to see all the destruction that happens merely because someone is insanely jealous, or angry with themselves and others.
Remember the old saying; "If you haven't got anything nice to say then don't say anything at all,"?
That phrase makes me smile because of the truth in it. Every day, you have the opportunity to destroy someone, or make them the happiest person in the world. So why do people choose the former?
Is it because they are so miserable with their own image that they find a strange sort of courage in insulting and tearing down someone else? Or because they have a sadistic personality and do it merely for the thrill? Who knows?
These people though, are the ugly ones. They may physically be the most beautiful person to ever walk the earth, but inside they are shrivelled, black and weary. It makes me sick what some people are capable of doing.
But my opinion is that if you are overweight, or underweight, you are pretty. If you are disabled, you are pretty. If you are shy, you are pretty. If you can speak your mind without a care of what other people may think of you, then you are pretty.
I find that the truly pretty ones are always the ones who don't believe it themselves.
Sad, isn't it?

"Your hearts a mess, but you won't admit to it."
Hearts A Mess - Gotye

Just because you can, doesn't mean you should.

I've really stuffed up this time.
I managed to hurt my wrist, burn my forehead with a straightener, and upset a good friend all in one day. Yay for me. The first two hurt like hell obviously, but the last one is tormenting me. I didn't mean to upset him. And I feel so bad for it. I was just being honest and admitting something that I'd thought to myself 4 months ago. Hell, I even tried to explain it. But I just succeeded in hurting him. Oh great, now I'm repeating myself.
I think...I need to have a shot at completely reworking my personality. Maybe it would make it easier for myself, though definately for others.
I'm feeling kind of pathetic now.

"Don't use your heart, it only makes you slow."
- Responses by Barcelona

Trust is always a good idea. For someone else.

It's sad really that here's me, single pringle and have been for my entire life, having people come to me for advice. For relationship advice. I've had people ask if they should break up with their boyfriends, if they should go that extra step with their significant other, or if he really should ask her out. And it's interesting that whilst I only give small tidbits of advice, never anything major that could completely sway their decision, or make them do something drastic, just enough to help them clear their minds and think easier, they still listen to what I say.
I don't know if he's really flirting, or just being a nice guy, so why should you come to me for advice? I've never been in the same situations as any of these people, and they know it, yet they ask me. It does make me feel a bit honoured, but at the same time slightly used. It makes me feel that they only talk to me because I'm good at listening, that they don't really care for my friendship at all.
I recently became closer to a girl after bonding over Barbie movies, and she's asking me for advice, but I know that I will have to to deal with the aftermath either way it goes.
I don't mind being used as a diary most of the time, I'm good at letting people just talk with no interruptions. Sometimes it would be nice if it weren't just a one-way diary though. I've tried to talk to people about my own problems, but they either just sympathise without understanding, interrupt through out it, or overshadow it with their own problems. Either way it makes me feel pathetic.
I'm not even sure why I'm writing this actually. I just don't really know what to do.
Should I continue being there for people, but have no shoulder of my own to rest on, or distance myself from their shit and try and work out my own?

If I wanted to play mind games, I’d buy a rubix cube.

I feel like I'm just moving along in this life so slowly, my pace sluggish and weary. I go through each day doing the same damn repetitive things, and it's driving me insane. I dream of stars, and comets, and an endless, deep blue midnight sky, but when I awake, I'm greeted by the foggy air of the morning, and the whirl of the air con. I've found that my own chance of happiness is quickly vanishing, so I've been focusing all my time and energy on helping others. I'm not even sure why I bother, but I guess that it gives me a small sense of hope that maybe, just maybe someone will help me in return.
Though I've realised by now not to get my hopes high. The higher they are, the harder they fall. And they always fall.

fly fairy, fly.

I am a beautiful fairy.
I have colourful wings that gently flutter on my back, lifting me high into the air and carrying me along with the soft summer breezes.
I float through the air, with bees buzzing and birds humming all around me. I fly with the butterflies, and I am wild, a pretty little part of nature that no one can capture.
I am completely free and I don't need the affections of an insanely handsome, but out of reach man to make me happy.

I am so tempted to just fly right out of here and never come back.

pet peeves.

[Just a small rant of mine to a certain male I know. I don't even care if he reads this. Its a chance to say what I know I'm too nice to say in real life.]

You sir, without even a speck of doubt, are the most ignorant, conceited, high and mighty dickhead I have ever had the displeasure to meet in my entire life.

Who the hell do you think you are?
Strutting around like you own the damn place, putting people in categories before you even know them, yet claiming not to judge and to be a gentleman?!

Gentleman, my arse.
A gentleman wouldn't act like that. A gentleman wouldn't say things like that.

Why do you think you're so awesome? It fails to process in my mind.
Why on earth do you love yourself so much? Why do you think you're the hottest thing since sliced bread?

Just piss off, okay?
Seriously.

You're not cool.
And you can't play the guitar either.
And the face...
For fucks sake, the face.
It doesn't make you look dreamy.
Or deep.

It makes you look like you're having a stroke.
Which is exactly what I imagine everytime you pull it.

Stop saying 'fair enough'.
It's stupid. It's irritating.
Especially considering it's coming from you.
And could you maybe try to stop ranting about football?
I don't really give a shit.
And could you maybe try, just once, to eat quietly?

For god's sake, you even breathe noisily.
What's wrong with you?
Fuck off, and stop telling me every little thing that passes through your brain.
Nobody cares.
Nobody is listening.
No. Shut up.

Really though, you don't half try my patience.

You once said that you're just a word that hasn't been invented yet.
But dickhead comes effortlessly close, my dear.

As long as you think you're not at fault, I'm sure you'll carry on with ease.
Boy, you can make even the halo child feel like the guiltiest sin.